Healing and getting better is a process. I can't pinpoint the exact time I started feeling happiness again and I can't tell you when my anxiety began to lessen. It happened gradually.
Depression is more than just sadness. It got to a point where I was completely numb, I didn't feel a thing. And that's the thing about being human - to feel is to be alive and I just felt like I was going day by day, not experiencing anything. Spending the summer holiday of 2012-2013 in bed, all day every day, eating about three crackers daily and not being able to do a thing was the worst summer of my life. I was only thirteen-fourteen, and looking back at that time it feels like it wasn't real because it's like a different person experienced it. In some ways, a different person did.
I don't feel like a ray of sunshine 24/7 (I feel like that's normal though...) but I am not in the state of mind I was before. I used to hate people who were constantly happy and cheerful, I hated their happy energy being shoved down my throat. Yeah, I get it, you're feeling great, good for you, now leave me alone. There's that saying, 'happiness is fleeting'. It's like when you do experience happiness, you just want to hold onto it forever and stay like that. But I think it's normal to be in a calm, content state and still be capable of experiencing happiness (perhaps just more frequently rather than it being temporary).
I had quit ballet and drama classes, I didn't swim at all that summer, I stopped socialising with friends, I stopped drawing but I did bury myself in books. I thought my books were my friends and any world I was reading about was better than this one. But then, I forced myself to get better. I didn't want to end up in the hospital, I wanted to feel like a normal girl again. I slowly started to eat more, invited my friends over so I wasn't alone with my thoughts, and just started to focus on the things that made me happy. It took time, but I managed to pull myself out of that negative state of mind. Then all that was left was my anxiety.
My anxiety grew over the summer. I couldn't leave the house, I didn't like going places and my thoughts would expand and overthinking became a bad habit. But like any other habit, it is possible to break. Thankfully I managed to pull myself out of my depressive state, however, anxiety does still affect me. Over time though it has got a lot better, I've been able to control and manage it. It isn't something I deal with every single day unlike before, and when it does hit me I can usually bring myself to a state of calmness using tools I've practised and developed over the past five years.
Sometimes there will be a day or two when I'm not feeling okay, at worst a few consecutive days, but I am so so glad I am at the point where it doesn't haunt me every day. Just doing simple things like going outside, going to school, and walking down the street was impossible without feeling anxious. It consumed me and I didn't think things would change. And for anyone reading this, I can assure you that things can change and things will change. The only person stopping you from feeling better is yourself. You are in charge of your emotions, you are in charge of your thoughts. It's hard when sometimes it feels like you are a separate entity to your brain, but we all have the power within us to turn any situation around.
Friends have asked me how I got better, what I did, how long it took. And it is so difficult to answer these questions because mental illness affects people differently- my anxiety is not the same as your anxiety.
In relation to recovery, my biggest tips would be:
1. Meditate.
This helped me so much. Even though I really don't think I mastered it, it does help immensely.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping, as I'm sure most other people with anxiety do. My brain wouldn't turn off and I had all of these negative thoughts running around my head, it was like it was out of control and unstoppable. Then one day I downloaded the Calm app. This one app honestly changed my life. I would use it every night before I went to bed, and I used it day after day; until I only used it when I needed to. For a few months, I could not get to sleep unless I had calmed my mind and meditated. It was vital for my wellbeing and I found it to be a really transformative process.
It helped me become calmer (it does live up to its name), more present, and I developed good breathing patterns. Now my breath is usually steady and calm, and whenever I do start to feel anxious I just bring myself back to my breath, focusing on just breathing in and out. Over and over. Closing my eyes if I have to and just visualising peaceful things. I don't experience many panic attacks anymore because I am able to pull myself out of that anxious state just through breathing, being able to calm myself down.
My boyfriend suggested I start meditating regularly again, just because it is good for your mind and it can give you a deeper sense of clarity and wellbeing. I honestly found it difficult because I essentially initially utilised it for sleep, so when I do sit down to meditate I subconsciously associate it with sleeping... But I'm working on it. Even doing it for ten minutes a day can make a difference.
The Calm app also has soothing sounds, so if I am finding it particularly hard to fall asleep (which doesn't happen often now thank god) I will turn on the rain sounds and just breathe, allowing myself to be calm and focus on resting.
2. Know that you have the power to change your mindset, emotions, thoughts and how they affect you.
Allow yourself to feel happiness. Allow yourself to feel contentment. Allow yourself to experience a state of calmness. I really do believe in the power of the mind to change whatever situation you're experiencing. It's half law-of-attraction and half 'you have to want to feel better, only you can make yourself feel better, nobody else can do it for you'.
If you think positively and say to yourself 'I can change my situation, I want to feel better, I am capable of healing' then you have a greater chance of succeeding compared to someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
This helps not only with anxiety, but also depression and whatever other whack emotion you're feeling. Sometimes we are hit with lots of different things at once, like feeling stressed and anxious and lonely and not loved. But we just need to keep on telling ourselves that our state of mind is what we make of it.
If you think negative thoughts, then you will be in a negative state of mind. Even if you think positive thoughts you might still be in that negative state, but just push yourself to think positively and eventually the negativity does fade away.
Think good things and good things will come to you. These are words I live by, and it's important to remind yourself of this every now and again, especially if you start to feel yourself going back into that downward spiral.
3. Focus on the now.
(This does tie in with meditation and being present.)
All of the anxious feelings are about the future. The future isn't here yet, we are in the 'now'. We can't be hurt, we are safe, and we are loved. We deal with things as they come and worrying won't change anything. Focusing on being present and our current moment is precious- because then we can truly live.
4. Talk it out.
Friends can only help you to a certain extent, and honestly, it is hard dealing with your own issues and trying to comfort a friend. It's hard because you want to be there and support them but at the same time, you don't want their negativity bringing you down, especially because you have worked so so hard to build yourself up. So I really recommend professional help.
Psychologists can be expensive and you do need a referral from a doctor first, so lots of schools and universities now offer free counselling services. There are also great services like Headspace and Lifeline that help with mental health issues and recovery, and I really recommend utilising them. There are services and people out there that want to help. I think that the stigma surrounding seeking help has started to change because more and more people are realising that it is okay to not feel okay and it is more than okay to speak to somebody about it. There was nothing worse than letting my feelings boil up inside of me until one day I was left to be a cold, anxious and lifeless stew.
Talking and releasing your emotions is vital to move on and feel better. It can be challenging opening up and re-living those emotions, but it is worth it.
I wish I sought help sooner than I did. If I had acknowledged my emotions then perhaps it wouldn't have carried on or worsened like it did. But getting help was one of the best things I have ever done. I was scared, and I did feel so anxious in the waiting room for my first appointment. People tend to think, 'It can never be me, these things happen to other people'. So when it does happen to you, there is this overwhelming feeling of disbelief. One of my biggest pieces of advice would be to get help, even if you think it's silly or your feelings are invalid. Because they're not invalid, you are worth so much and it is incredibly important to take the necessary steps in order to take care of yourself.
Lastly, my final piece of advice is to love, nurture and take care of yourself. You are important. And life is worth living.
from Madeline
A nicely written piece Maddy. Your honesty shows real courage.
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